I just made it through another birthday relatively unscathed, or so I thought. I wasn't expecting the aftermath to be delivered as it was; I was knocked by a post-birthday hit 2 nights later. Confusion mixed with sorrow and hopelessness, crying spells that took almost all my energy and left me spent.
In the adoption literature I've been reading, I've come across the concept of the difficulty of birthdays for adoptees and birth mothers, but I wasn't clear in a 'in-the-moment' kind of way what it actually feels like for me.
Now I remember.
My birthday almost always conjures up the feeling of being unknown and unappreciated, which leads to feeling alone and disconnected. Laid upon that is a thin but powerful sheet of guilt that says "you are so selfish and self-centered for not appreciating all the people in your life who actually care about you--now you see who you really are." Its really weird and distorted, movie-like. I just always end up in the same place year after year, no matter how unaffected I try to be.
I feel haunted by my history; I feel trapped.
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You wanted to know if anybody was reading your posts :) Just wanted you to know that I ran across your blog and found it interesting how close our feelings were about our birthdays. I am also adopted and my birthday was on June 4th. I haven't read any literature about adoption and birthdays, but especially this year, it sure conjured up those confusing feelings of being alone and disconnected that you talked about. Like you said, regardless if we have people who care about us, it didn't seem to make a difference. I am looking foward to reading more of your posts. Keep writing Nicole!
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