I went outside this morning to gather herbs for a morning cooking project and I was struck by its state. Outside is mildly cold and wet, and my garden melded into the pleasant rounded grayness. My garden says so much about me. Here we are in the end of October and I am content to let the plants sit and do a little more growing, even though there is not nearly enough sun to ripen the green tomatoes that still hang on the vines. I guess a more avid, 'proper' gardener would have ripped the plants from the ground at this point and added something to the soil in preparation for next year. I just let the plants be, and consider the garden as an experiment, just to see what will happen. I tend to value pondering influences and outcomes over outer appearances. Yet, I also admit I tend to not take care of fine details in lieu of having lots of things going on simultaneously.
It matters to me that I was able to put fresh (and a little old) basil and thyme and rosemary and parsley into my food today. Yum.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
my new title
My new paper is entitled Movement From Simplified Ideology to Complex Ambiguity.
(!)
I love it. It is the title of my life.
(!)
I love it. It is the title of my life.
it sucks and i'm used to it.
foundations
I am questioning the foundations of my life, they seem unsteady. Its not surprising when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture of my life within the framework of steady/unsteady foundations. My original foundation was pulled away; maybe this is what I only truly know. Steadiness does seem foreign to me and suspect. Feelings do, too.
The perception that I am not "gotten" or "grokked" is the scariest thing to me. That is the foundation I look for, always. I can look back and see as a teenager that I made desperate attempt after attempt to connect with those who I thought possibly could 'get' me, and in doing so, I gave myself away, over and over again. I have the ability (bpd?) to open myself up WIDE to people I am only tenuously connected to, yet experience time and again that opening myself up to the people who I am very much connected to not only exposesme to the possibility of further abandonment, but the abandonment actually happens. It keeps on happening, time after time. How many times can someone do that before they just stop?
What is the difference between lowering one's expectations in an effort to be more in the present moment, to be with what is rather than what one wants it to be vs. cutting oneself off from one's emotions?
Today I feel hopeless and back inside my protective mechanism because I feel like I truly am the only one who will take care of me. That is how I feel. It sucks, AND I'm used to it.
I'm burning the fire all day today.
I am questioning the foundations of my life, they seem unsteady. Its not surprising when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture of my life within the framework of steady/unsteady foundations. My original foundation was pulled away; maybe this is what I only truly know. Steadiness does seem foreign to me and suspect. Feelings do, too.
The perception that I am not "gotten" or "grokked" is the scariest thing to me. That is the foundation I look for, always. I can look back and see as a teenager that I made desperate attempt after attempt to connect with those who I thought possibly could 'get' me, and in doing so, I gave myself away, over and over again. I have the ability (bpd?) to open myself up WIDE to people I am only tenuously connected to, yet experience time and again that opening myself up to the people who I am very much connected to not only exposesme to the possibility of further abandonment, but the abandonment actually happens. It keeps on happening, time after time. How many times can someone do that before they just stop?
What is the difference between lowering one's expectations in an effort to be more in the present moment, to be with what is rather than what one wants it to be vs. cutting oneself off from one's emotions?
Today I feel hopeless and back inside my protective mechanism because I feel like I truly am the only one who will take care of me. That is how I feel. It sucks, AND I'm used to it.
I'm burning the fire all day today.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
fire and water
I have a few fireplaces in my house. I have been enjoying making a fire and sitting in front of it each day recently. I am reminded of a teacher who taught me that fire clears out the ethereal body of energy polution; he thought bathtubs and fire were the most important tools for cleansing. He thought submerging in water or being before a fire extremely powerful in nullifying the 'death urge'; I can relate to this. I'm beginning to remember relating to fire again in my life. It feels effective.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
revising the simple into the complex
Its curious how aligned my life seems to be with each major writing assignment I have for my english class. My next impending paper due is turning out to be about living in myth (the first two sentences of my last post are from my notes for my paper), our human need for story in order to make sense of the chaos in the minute details of our lives, and the need to deconstruct and revise those stories when they turn out to be too simplistic, when the outcomes they purport don't align with reality. The revision involves looking at the whole picture, which can be messy and tends to complicate things, but makes the story much more 'real'. Sometimes there is not an exact, sharp conclusion, maybe not until many revisions take place, maybe never.
So I'm writing about these ideas and simultaneously really experiencing the direct doing of this in my life. Its very powerful.
So I'm writing about these ideas and simultaneously really experiencing the direct doing of this in my life. Its very powerful.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
living in myth
We live in myth.
We create myths in order to piece together the endlessly relentless, entropic information that makes up our lives.
I am trying to deconstruct the myths of significant people in my life in order to understand the details of who they are better, to see them as the full, whole, HUMAN people they are instead of the conceptual myths I have created about them.
I want/hope people can do this of me, as well.
We are fallible. We are human. We fall. We are human.
We create myths in order to piece together the endlessly relentless, entropic information that makes up our lives.
I am trying to deconstruct the myths of significant people in my life in order to understand the details of who they are better, to see them as the full, whole, HUMAN people they are instead of the conceptual myths I have created about them.
I want/hope people can do this of me, as well.
We are fallible. We are human. We fall. We are human.
Friday, October 23, 2009
deconstructing to reconstruct.
I'm coming undone.
Deconstructing in order to reconstruct. Like the leaves falling off the trees.
My leaves are falling, I'm becoming bare. I don't know what I will become, I don't know what comes next.
Somehow I'm getting the strength to brave the unknown.
Deconstructing in order to reconstruct. Like the leaves falling off the trees.
My leaves are falling, I'm becoming bare. I don't know what I will become, I don't know what comes next.
Somehow I'm getting the strength to brave the unknown.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
taming the beast
Recently I was telling a new friend about how the right sliding door of my van is semi-broken, and it sometimes shuts when it feels like it. Otherwise, it makes lots of noise when it is opening and closing, and often just doesn't want to close. My alarm system recently stopped working, and the alarm will go off pretty much anytime I lock my doors. The alarm has gone off in the middle of town several times, in a restaurant parking lot, and in a hotel parking garage where I got called in my room at 3 am telling me to turn it off. Not nice.
I took it to Honda, and of course, they called me and asked me why I dropped my car off, what was it that needed to be fixed? I told them to lock the doors and wait. The van sat in their parking lot for a couple of hours uneventfully. So I was telling my friend this and she asked me what is going on on my right side, relating the car door to my person. I don't know about my right side...hmmm...my right side is connected to my left brain...my chiropractor (her husband) has been picking up on my over-thinking-ness, stuck-in-my-brain-and-not-my-body-ness...maybe this is it? Likewise, I asked myself about the tripping alarm connection...this winter, in the depths of despair--hell--I was in, I began locking my door every time I would drive anywhere, which is so out of character for me. When I lived in New Paltz, I would almost never lock my doors, ever. I really lived in trust of my community; I felt held there, and did not need a defense. Here, my defensive impulse was triggered and it wasn't like I was just locking my door when I parked somewhere; I was locking my door just driving down the street. I felt super-vulnerable, exposed, and like attack was imminent at any moment. So I see the alarm malfunction as an imposed opening being laid onto me. I didn't choose it, but its working. I don't feel the need to lock while driving now anyway, but I don't have a choice whether I lock or not while parked at school or wherever. I'm unlocked. Its therapeutic.
Ok, so I am working the same type of 'outer as expression of inner' understanding to my dog. An amazing thing has happened! We have had this relationship where I (and everyone else in my family) have no control of her and she and I and everyone else completely knows it. When she's inside, she obeys SIT and LAY DOWN, but she is always waiting at the door ready to bolt, and once she's outside, out of arm's reach, she makes the rules....until now. So last week my youngest opened the door and let her out (again) and I freaked out because of my asshole neighbor(s). After a while of pointlessly being outside throwing food, trying to lure her in when I knew it wouldn't work, I got to the point where we were on the front lawn, close to the steps and front door. I was throwing turkey towards the steps, and she was going along with me, but only so far as getting about 3 feet away. She is WAY quicker than me and I know it and she knows it--there was no way I would be able to grab her. I was feeling the desperation of the situation; I'm on my lawn and my dog is three excruciating feet away and I can't get her and the neighbors are going to be back from work soon and....I got an intuitive thought--forget you're outside--tell her to sit. So I did. And it fucking worked! She sat down. I told her to lay down. AND SHE DID. And I reached over calmly and grabbed her collar. Totally amazing. This blew me away. The next day she dug a hole under the fence we just put up in our backyard, and she was out again. My husband was home and he went outside with the turkey. This time she wouldn't get closer than about six feet. I came outside and told him my new trick, we tried it and not only did she sit and lay down, she rolled over and he calmly walked over and got her. This is completely amazing to me, the fact that I found this short-circuit that will override her wild-ness, and that it worked more than once, and therefore I have a new-found sense of control over my dog, and I know it, and SHE knows it.
I am trying to figure out what this means about me besides the obvious. My inner wildness can be tamed? Or maybe more generally, yesterday's impossible is possible today...?
I took it to Honda, and of course, they called me and asked me why I dropped my car off, what was it that needed to be fixed? I told them to lock the doors and wait. The van sat in their parking lot for a couple of hours uneventfully. So I was telling my friend this and she asked me what is going on on my right side, relating the car door to my person. I don't know about my right side...hmmm...my right side is connected to my left brain...my chiropractor (her husband) has been picking up on my over-thinking-ness, stuck-in-my-brain-and-not-my-body-ness...maybe this is it? Likewise, I asked myself about the tripping alarm connection...this winter, in the depths of despair--hell--I was in, I began locking my door every time I would drive anywhere, which is so out of character for me. When I lived in New Paltz, I would almost never lock my doors, ever. I really lived in trust of my community; I felt held there, and did not need a defense. Here, my defensive impulse was triggered and it wasn't like I was just locking my door when I parked somewhere; I was locking my door just driving down the street. I felt super-vulnerable, exposed, and like attack was imminent at any moment. So I see the alarm malfunction as an imposed opening being laid onto me. I didn't choose it, but its working. I don't feel the need to lock while driving now anyway, but I don't have a choice whether I lock or not while parked at school or wherever. I'm unlocked. Its therapeutic.
Ok, so I am working the same type of 'outer as expression of inner' understanding to my dog. An amazing thing has happened! We have had this relationship where I (and everyone else in my family) have no control of her and she and I and everyone else completely knows it. When she's inside, she obeys SIT and LAY DOWN, but she is always waiting at the door ready to bolt, and once she's outside, out of arm's reach, she makes the rules....until now. So last week my youngest opened the door and let her out (again) and I freaked out because of my asshole neighbor(s). After a while of pointlessly being outside throwing food, trying to lure her in when I knew it wouldn't work, I got to the point where we were on the front lawn, close to the steps and front door. I was throwing turkey towards the steps, and she was going along with me, but only so far as getting about 3 feet away. She is WAY quicker than me and I know it and she knows it--there was no way I would be able to grab her. I was feeling the desperation of the situation; I'm on my lawn and my dog is three excruciating feet away and I can't get her and the neighbors are going to be back from work soon and....I got an intuitive thought--forget you're outside--tell her to sit. So I did. And it fucking worked! She sat down. I told her to lay down. AND SHE DID. And I reached over calmly and grabbed her collar. Totally amazing. This blew me away. The next day she dug a hole under the fence we just put up in our backyard, and she was out again. My husband was home and he went outside with the turkey. This time she wouldn't get closer than about six feet. I came outside and told him my new trick, we tried it and not only did she sit and lay down, she rolled over and he calmly walked over and got her. This is completely amazing to me, the fact that I found this short-circuit that will override her wild-ness, and that it worked more than once, and therefore I have a new-found sense of control over my dog, and I know it, and SHE knows it.
I am trying to figure out what this means about me besides the obvious. My inner wildness can be tamed? Or maybe more generally, yesterday's impossible is possible today...?
the constant on my mind
I feel like I'm breaking open and everything might fall out. In a good way, hopefully.
The idea of our lives being lived within the realms of social constructs is something I am working through. Working through, as in it is on my mind constantly, it is the lens I am looking at life through. Consciously, unconsciously. I'm even dealing with it in my dreams.
What happens when we question a social construct? When we question its validity, its requirement? It seems to me that our thoughts and emotions are shaped by the construct(s) we live within; if we choose to break it or go outside of it or create something new, I assume the thoughts and emotions would be different.
We can make this life anything we want it to be. What a relief.
The idea of our lives being lived within the realms of social constructs is something I am working through. Working through, as in it is on my mind constantly, it is the lens I am looking at life through. Consciously, unconsciously. I'm even dealing with it in my dreams.
What happens when we question a social construct? When we question its validity, its requirement? It seems to me that our thoughts and emotions are shaped by the construct(s) we live within; if we choose to break it or go outside of it or create something new, I assume the thoughts and emotions would be different.
We can make this life anything we want it to be. What a relief.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
finding meaning in the center
self and other.
my self and others around me.
i contemplate how to relate. moving from my center steadies the outcome. centered helps me to not get knocked off course when the disappointment inevitably occurs.
centered tends to iron out my expectations and i can accept what is.
in the center, the highs are only so high, and the lows are only so low--the extremes are tempered. is living less meaningful? do i need to feel the extremes to catch the meaning?
i think more than anything, i need to feel meaning. i need to feel that i matter.
my self and others around me.
i contemplate how to relate. moving from my center steadies the outcome. centered helps me to not get knocked off course when the disappointment inevitably occurs.
centered tends to iron out my expectations and i can accept what is.
in the center, the highs are only so high, and the lows are only so low--the extremes are tempered. is living less meaningful? do i need to feel the extremes to catch the meaning?
i think more than anything, i need to feel meaning. i need to feel that i matter.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
origin in man and woman
Who is my maker? Where do I come from?
For so long I never even had the fundamental belief that I was born; there was a transfer of me into the family, but pre-that, there was nothingness. Not even nothingness, like absence of anything (so that nothingness doesn't exist). The idea of my existence pre-transfer was not even a thought or a non-thought. Then at some point the consciousness of an origin point arose, but it was limited to my birthmother--it was completely woman-centered. I was shocked to realize some time after I began searching for my birthmother that there was also a man involved in my creation. That filtered in and my search expanded to encompass him, whoever "he" was. Then some time after that I was shocked again to realize that when I would wonder about my sister's origins, I was only considering a woman source, until it finally hit me that my sister was also created by a man.
I know hardly anything about my birthfather. He is now dead. I never met him. Its almost like in a way, he never was. Maybe if I ever find out more about him he will become more real to me. Like, I don't even know his full name. I don't know anything about his family, his lineage. A name--that would be so clarifying for me. I would know more about me if I knew his family's name.
It is a dissociating feeling knowing that there are people out there in the world who you know hardly anything about, yet you began from them and carry both their gifts and their weight into this life. There's something very un-real about it, but its what is, nothing more, nothing less. Its a fate, and it shapes.
For so long I never even had the fundamental belief that I was born; there was a transfer of me into the family, but pre-that, there was nothingness. Not even nothingness, like absence of anything (so that nothingness doesn't exist). The idea of my existence pre-transfer was not even a thought or a non-thought. Then at some point the consciousness of an origin point arose, but it was limited to my birthmother--it was completely woman-centered. I was shocked to realize some time after I began searching for my birthmother that there was also a man involved in my creation. That filtered in and my search expanded to encompass him, whoever "he" was. Then some time after that I was shocked again to realize that when I would wonder about my sister's origins, I was only considering a woman source, until it finally hit me that my sister was also created by a man.
I know hardly anything about my birthfather. He is now dead. I never met him. Its almost like in a way, he never was. Maybe if I ever find out more about him he will become more real to me. Like, I don't even know his full name. I don't know anything about his family, his lineage. A name--that would be so clarifying for me. I would know more about me if I knew his family's name.
It is a dissociating feeling knowing that there are people out there in the world who you know hardly anything about, yet you began from them and carry both their gifts and their weight into this life. There's something very un-real about it, but its what is, nothing more, nothing less. Its a fate, and it shapes.
Friday, October 16, 2009
the books currently on my night table
ordered in stacks
stack one.
-the primal wound--understanding the adopted child-nancy newton verrier
-the year of magical thinking-joan didion
-the hour i first believed-wally lamb
-growing up fast-joanna lipper
-the people they brought me-poems in the adoption community-penny callan partridge
-sara, book 1-sara learns the secret about the law of attraction-esther and jerry hicks
stack two.
-the biology of transcendence-a blueprint of the human spirit-joseph chilton pearce
-bright shiny morning-james frey
-healing the child within-discovery and recovery for adult children of dysfunctional families-charles whitfield
-obsessive love-when it hurts too much to let go-susan forward
-amelia bedelia and the surprise shower
-the big book of sudoko puzzles
stack three.
-mating in captivity-unlocking erotic intelligence-esther perel
-the other mother-a woman's love for the child she gave up for adoption-carol schaefer
-confessions of a lost mother-elisa m b
-following the tambourine man-a birthmother's memoir-janet mason ellerby
-birthmothers-women who have relinquished babies for adoption tell their stories-merry block jones
-infinite jest-david foster wallace
this list perfectly explains my life right now.
stack one.
-the primal wound--understanding the adopted child-nancy newton verrier
-the year of magical thinking-joan didion
-the hour i first believed-wally lamb
-growing up fast-joanna lipper
-the people they brought me-poems in the adoption community-penny callan partridge
-sara, book 1-sara learns the secret about the law of attraction-esther and jerry hicks
stack two.
-the biology of transcendence-a blueprint of the human spirit-joseph chilton pearce
-bright shiny morning-james frey
-healing the child within-discovery and recovery for adult children of dysfunctional families-charles whitfield
-obsessive love-when it hurts too much to let go-susan forward
-amelia bedelia and the surprise shower
-the big book of sudoko puzzles
stack three.
-mating in captivity-unlocking erotic intelligence-esther perel
-the other mother-a woman's love for the child she gave up for adoption-carol schaefer
-confessions of a lost mother-elisa m b
-following the tambourine man-a birthmother's memoir-janet mason ellerby
-birthmothers-women who have relinquished babies for adoption tell their stories-merry block jones
-infinite jest-david foster wallace
this list perfectly explains my life right now.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
limited love
Today I am facing the question of what is family? Who is included, and what does their inclusion (or exclusion) mean? Also I am wondering about love, and how it shows up within those bonds. I am trying to take a step back from my assumptions, to give room for something else I might not see now to arise.
Can I accept my family for who they really are as individuals? Can I let them love me based on their (limited) capacities, or am I always going to feel that it is not enough?
Am I honoring myself to accept a limited love? Do I really have a choice?
I'm full of questions today; yet not attached to needing an answer...
Can I accept my family for who they really are as individuals? Can I let them love me based on their (limited) capacities, or am I always going to feel that it is not enough?
Am I honoring myself to accept a limited love? Do I really have a choice?
I'm full of questions today; yet not attached to needing an answer...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
trust and my heart
Yesterday my yoga teacher waxed poetic about living from your heart, that being the only true path. The only real path. I opened myself up and ended the class with an unfamiliar balance and warmth in my heart. I thought of my dad and didn't feel scared anymore about calling and making a connection. I felt like everything is imminently okay.
I think this is very connected to the past weekend for me. I met a woman who does family constellation work, and she talked with me about the healing power of being aware of everyone who makes up your family. We talked about what that might look like in an adopted family--both sets of mothers and fathers are included and acknowledged. My (adoptive) sister's birth mother and father are included in my own family. This feels so right to me; it makes sense and feels right in my heart. I have not been in touch with my (adoptive) father for almost a year. I called him today. Its not scary. Its sad, but its not scary, so I know its okay.
Paralleling this awareness is my growing feeling that so many things in my life are all pointing to me needing to be grown up and gain the ability to take care of others. This is really hard for me--maybe because this was always an innate requirement for having a relationship with my parents--for the relationship to exist, I was (and still am) required to be the adult and subjugate my (inner-child) needs to theirs. I obviously am still in process about this and haven't come to a full acceptance of this dynamic, but something has shifted that has allowed me to move forward and make the call and connect.
I wonder if this inner shift I am experiencing will somehow transfer to the distance that exists between me and my birth mother...I want desperately to have a relationship with her, but I don't know how. I also suspect it will be instrumental in healing the rift that underlies my relationship with my husband.
Being open and vulnerable is scary, but I see how it can propel me and those I am connected to forward, maybe exponentially.
I think this is very connected to the past weekend for me. I met a woman who does family constellation work, and she talked with me about the healing power of being aware of everyone who makes up your family. We talked about what that might look like in an adopted family--both sets of mothers and fathers are included and acknowledged. My (adoptive) sister's birth mother and father are included in my own family. This feels so right to me; it makes sense and feels right in my heart. I have not been in touch with my (adoptive) father for almost a year. I called him today. Its not scary. Its sad, but its not scary, so I know its okay.
Paralleling this awareness is my growing feeling that so many things in my life are all pointing to me needing to be grown up and gain the ability to take care of others. This is really hard for me--maybe because this was always an innate requirement for having a relationship with my parents--for the relationship to exist, I was (and still am) required to be the adult and subjugate my (inner-child) needs to theirs. I obviously am still in process about this and haven't come to a full acceptance of this dynamic, but something has shifted that has allowed me to move forward and make the call and connect.
I wonder if this inner shift I am experiencing will somehow transfer to the distance that exists between me and my birth mother...I want desperately to have a relationship with her, but I don't know how. I also suspect it will be instrumental in healing the rift that underlies my relationship with my husband.
Being open and vulnerable is scary, but I see how it can propel me and those I am connected to forward, maybe exponentially.
Monday, October 12, 2009
possibilities openings connections
My weekend at Omega was full of connections. I opened myself up to possibilities and they came pouring in.
I made the connection with Lynn McTaggart who wrote The Field and The Intention Experiment, and learned more about her amazing work and her projects, and am excited to be a part of them. I am so happy I made a personal connection with her, which is also related to adoption, and my search for more information to connect me to my origins.
My retreat weekend was deepened by my writing class assignment which I needed to complete while I was at Omega, which, (non-coincidentally) was based on the theme of identity. On Saturday night I wrote for hours into the middle of the night, cozy in my cabin set within the fall foliage of upstate NY--I felt at home and serene, doing what I love and need to do. Writing is such hard work for me. I feel like my mind wrestles with the ideas I am working with in order to fit them together eloquently, and this is mixed with periods where I release and the sentences come spilling out almost without my control. Writing is like a very physical experience for me; I talk out loud when I'm writing, I say the words I'm writing out loud, and it somehow affirms and organizes them for me. I feel exhausted and complete when I'm done with a writing session. I get that it is definitely my work in this lifetime, and I'm happy to be doing it (finally).
My meeting with Lynn was a preliminary step towards a future project I am contemplating regarding a sociological study of post-adoption outcomes within the specific population of adoptees who were the babies of Stanley Michelman's German/Austrian birthmother importing business. There are so many potential implications to this, including my own personal understanding...
I didn't hit a brick wall, in fact I feel like I knocked the brick wall down and stepped over it onto the other side...I'm excited to find out what's next...
I made the connection with Lynn McTaggart who wrote The Field and The Intention Experiment, and learned more about her amazing work and her projects, and am excited to be a part of them. I am so happy I made a personal connection with her, which is also related to adoption, and my search for more information to connect me to my origins.
My retreat weekend was deepened by my writing class assignment which I needed to complete while I was at Omega, which, (non-coincidentally) was based on the theme of identity. On Saturday night I wrote for hours into the middle of the night, cozy in my cabin set within the fall foliage of upstate NY--I felt at home and serene, doing what I love and need to do. Writing is such hard work for me. I feel like my mind wrestles with the ideas I am working with in order to fit them together eloquently, and this is mixed with periods where I release and the sentences come spilling out almost without my control. Writing is like a very physical experience for me; I talk out loud when I'm writing, I say the words I'm writing out loud, and it somehow affirms and organizes them for me. I feel exhausted and complete when I'm done with a writing session. I get that it is definitely my work in this lifetime, and I'm happy to be doing it (finally).
My meeting with Lynn was a preliminary step towards a future project I am contemplating regarding a sociological study of post-adoption outcomes within the specific population of adoptees who were the babies of Stanley Michelman's German/Austrian birthmother importing business. There are so many potential implications to this, including my own personal understanding...
I didn't hit a brick wall, in fact I feel like I knocked the brick wall down and stepped over it onto the other side...I'm excited to find out what's next...
Thursday, October 8, 2009
baby brokers
This weekend will be a peak moment in my current self-exploration journey; I am going to meet the journalist who researched and wrote a book about black market adoptions in the 70's and 80's. She met with and wrote about the attorney who facilitated my adoption, and wrote in depth about the elaborate workings of his business and how he basically imported about 100 young women from W. Germany and Austria during a few years in the 70's in order to adopt out their babies. He used coercion techniques and was brought up on charges, eventually losing his license (I believe). I was one of those babies. Reading the book was a surreal experience for me, to say the least.
I feel like I am a researcher myself, a detective, and I'm tracking down the details of my gestation and birth in order to put together the pieces of who I actually am. These pieces of information are so critical to creating a more whole picture of myself. I'm both excited about additional information I may find out, yet scared I'll hit another brick wall.
to be continued...
I feel like I am a researcher myself, a detective, and I'm tracking down the details of my gestation and birth in order to put together the pieces of who I actually am. These pieces of information are so critical to creating a more whole picture of myself. I'm both excited about additional information I may find out, yet scared I'll hit another brick wall.
to be continued...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
in the play yard
This morning I went to my son's nursery class today to celebrate his birthday. I sat next to him at the table and we ate soup and crackers and sang songs. I actually sat between him and a little girl who is friends with him. She immediately started talking to me and wouldn't stop. When we went outside into the play yard, she would not let go of my hand. Ok, she let go, but she wouldn't leave my side. I ended up not really even spending much time with my son because this little girl was like ATTACHED to me. We made a sandcastle. We played with acorns. One of the teachers took her hand to form a line to walk into the garden and she looked back at me with a sad look on her face, like "where did you go, come here." A minute later she was holding my hand and we were walking through the garden. When we got back into the yard, we ended up in the sandbox and then I found myself surrounded by three girls (!) all of whom were trying to get and hold my attention. When it was time to leave, the teacher actually had to ask me if I could specifically say goodbye to the one main girl--she was waiting for me.
The nature of her attachment made such a strong impression on me. It was like a mirror.
Having and being around young children is such a reflective experience. I see myself in them in ways that I couldn't otherwise. I imagine my attachments as a young child, how strong they must have been, wanting for a mother who really 'got' me. It was a bit overwhelming to be the object of such today; I don't really know how I feel about it, I just am aware that there was a big impression on my being.
I felt from her loss, and sadness, and an innocent hopefulness to connect.
My daughter had a new friend come over our house yesterday after school; she had never been here, nor had been around me other than pick-up from school. My daughter told me this morning that her friend had said "your mom is so cool! she's so young, and fun, and pretty..." Because of my relatively young age when I had my first two kids, I'm almost always the youngest parent within the group of my daughter's friends. Her friend's comment is one that I've gotten kind of used to hearing, considering I'm usually between 10-15 years younger than most of the other parents, so I'm sure I seem younger, and maybe more fun?...its funny, though, when I think about it...I don't think any of my kids would characterize me in those ways.
The nature of her attachment made such a strong impression on me. It was like a mirror.
Having and being around young children is such a reflective experience. I see myself in them in ways that I couldn't otherwise. I imagine my attachments as a young child, how strong they must have been, wanting for a mother who really 'got' me. It was a bit overwhelming to be the object of such today; I don't really know how I feel about it, I just am aware that there was a big impression on my being.
I felt from her loss, and sadness, and an innocent hopefulness to connect.
My daughter had a new friend come over our house yesterday after school; she had never been here, nor had been around me other than pick-up from school. My daughter told me this morning that her friend had said "your mom is so cool! she's so young, and fun, and pretty..." Because of my relatively young age when I had my first two kids, I'm almost always the youngest parent within the group of my daughter's friends. Her friend's comment is one that I've gotten kind of used to hearing, considering I'm usually between 10-15 years younger than most of the other parents, so I'm sure I seem younger, and maybe more fun?...its funny, though, when I think about it...I don't think any of my kids would characterize me in those ways.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
moving out of the corner
I have a recurring (bad) dream which came around again last night. Each time I have this dream, the same thing happens: I come to the realization that I am pregnant, and at some point the dread of the imminence of birth rushes over me, and I feel stuck and cornered, like I have no way out. I try to figure out if I am really pregnant or not, if I am really dreaming or not. Every time I come to the conclusion that it is not a dream, this is real life, and I make the decision to accept my situation. The acceptance moves me out of my terror, into a manageable realm where I can handle what is before me. But the acceptance contains a taste of defeat. I am so strong-willed, I think 'acceptance' in general has a stifling element to it for me. When I accept something its hard for me to do it willingly...I usually end up feeling beaten and somehow abused.
I have birthed four (large to extremely large) babies at home. The experience has pushed me to my edge and has taught me that I can do ANYTHING and actually come out the other side with beauty and strength. But its not to say that the thought of it is still not completely terrifying. I think the concept of pregnancy and birth and the quality of the total commitment it requires is a metaphor my subconscious uses for the places in my life that require a similar commitment. And so it makes sense to me that I am visited by these dreams frequently, especially now.
I'm trying to figure out how to move out of the corner within my life.
I have birthed four (large to extremely large) babies at home. The experience has pushed me to my edge and has taught me that I can do ANYTHING and actually come out the other side with beauty and strength. But its not to say that the thought of it is still not completely terrifying. I think the concept of pregnancy and birth and the quality of the total commitment it requires is a metaphor my subconscious uses for the places in my life that require a similar commitment. And so it makes sense to me that I am visited by these dreams frequently, especially now.
I'm trying to figure out how to move out of the corner within my life.
[disclaimer: I am NOT pregnant in waking life.]
Saturday, October 3, 2009
drawing from the future
I'm thinking about the ways in which I can honor my daughter's coming of age in a way that has meaning for her (and for me). I do not feel an obligation to do this within a jewish form, although that expectation is there in some way in my family. The combination of being adopted, and being adopted into a family that has so much disconnection and non-continuity in it makes for a situation where I don't know how to go back to find something to give my daughter; I feel a need to move forward and create something forward and in the future to give to her. That seems right; it fits.
I am reading my sociology textbook and am totally fascinated by the way family structure is explained within the context of ideas and values being socially constructed. Taking a step back and seeing all of the things we take for granted as social beings not as facts, not as givens, but as social constructs that we made up and choose to persist seems mindblowing. This idea touches me in a deep way, and I suspect it has something to do with me being adopted, not knowing my history. There is no legacy for me to carry on or draw from. I am ultra aware that I create anew all the time, because its in my face. I don't have a mother to turn to, to ask how to do things. My father is alive but we have not been in communication for a significant amount of time. I hold the rest of my family far away from me (except my sister) in order to survive and not spiral into total dysfunction. I have been forced to decide how I want to create my life every day with little familial reference points. Its the orphan consciousness inside of me. I suppose it gives me a strength in some ways, yet it seems shaky--there's no bedrock; I'm constantly reaching up into the air to pick out what and how I want to create. I guess either way there is no guarantee that the decisions we make are right, but in being a parent myself, I am constantly being forced to ask myself if the decisions I make are the best for my children, and that is where the ground falls away and I'm flying and I'm 'winging it'. Maybe all parents feel that way? I don't know, I just know that there's a built-in freedom to the new-ness. That's a part of it that I like.
I am reading my sociology textbook and am totally fascinated by the way family structure is explained within the context of ideas and values being socially constructed. Taking a step back and seeing all of the things we take for granted as social beings not as facts, not as givens, but as social constructs that we made up and choose to persist seems mindblowing. This idea touches me in a deep way, and I suspect it has something to do with me being adopted, not knowing my history. There is no legacy for me to carry on or draw from. I am ultra aware that I create anew all the time, because its in my face. I don't have a mother to turn to, to ask how to do things. My father is alive but we have not been in communication for a significant amount of time. I hold the rest of my family far away from me (except my sister) in order to survive and not spiral into total dysfunction. I have been forced to decide how I want to create my life every day with little familial reference points. Its the orphan consciousness inside of me. I suppose it gives me a strength in some ways, yet it seems shaky--there's no bedrock; I'm constantly reaching up into the air to pick out what and how I want to create. I guess either way there is no guarantee that the decisions we make are right, but in being a parent myself, I am constantly being forced to ask myself if the decisions I make are the best for my children, and that is where the ground falls away and I'm flying and I'm 'winging it'. Maybe all parents feel that way? I don't know, I just know that there's a built-in freedom to the new-ness. That's a part of it that I like.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
remembering to trust
I watched a movie in my sociology class today that has me thinking.
Its hard not to notice the trend or movement in society towards a significant population being single mother households. I wonder what is underlying this? (besides the obvious factors like racism, domestic violence, alcohol/drug abuse, rise in materialism and subsequent intensification of the ego, etc.--those are the social factors. I'm wondering more about the spiritual/etheric patterning that is being mirrored in a physical-three dimensional plane-kind-of-way). Is it the survivalist mentality?
The question I take away from this is how to strike a balance between men and women? The woman receives, the woman receives. I was listening to Armand on WBAI and he was interviewing a woman about the physical history of sex--there has never been a species, apparently, whose females enjoyed sex as much as the human being. Receiving is a major factor in women's pleasure. Can men and women co-create pleasure with balance?
How can we find a balance of power?
How can I find that balance? Last week I took a deep breath and admitted to my husband that I either push him away and get upset that he's gone or I pull him towards me and get mad that he's too close. Balance of power is an issue I deal with daily. Its scary to trust that I am not going to be hurt; there is a program that runs deep within me that says I am not safe.
I need to remember to trust.
It was about a remote area in China where the culture is currently matriarchal and matrilineal (I'm just using those terms based on what I think they mean but I'm not exactly technically sure that these terms are correct).
Women are the heads of the household and the family, and there is no marriage (as we understand it). Their language does not have the word "daddy" or "dad". The women live with their children and their brother(s) -- if they have one or more. The uncles play the biggest significant role as a male authority/role model. The women do most of the work and they make the decisions. Monogamy doesn't exist. The fathers do not live with their baby-mothers and kids, and it is not expected.
The people believe that the fetuses live inside of the woman, and only need to be "sprayed" by the man, and then the woman grows the baby. They believe the baby is the same baby no matter who the man she had sex with is. There is something about the man being respected for giving a gift to the woman, but it seems they feel he only jumpstarts the growth of something/somebody that already exists. They don't believe children share the same bloodline as the man and that they are only physically of the mother.
This culture is very woman centered, woman power-tipped. And the men seem robbed of power.
Schools have been built and have been in place for about 10 years. They were in place for about two years when the film was the made. I don't know who funds/runs the schools, but they are definitely an outside influence. They teach the children about marriage and being a husband and a wife, and that this is how people in the rest of China live their lives. Within two years some of the children were expressing that they would like to live with their fathers. Boys played growing up into fathers. This was something completely foreign to their culture until very recently. There was a man who began becoming more involved with his child, seeing him every day (instead of every couple weeks or months). The interviewer asked him if he's like to live with the baby-mother. He said yes. The interviewer then asked the mother if she would like the baby-father to live with her, and she said no. She said they are all better off living separately, that this way there were hardly any fights.
A few months ago, I went to an Erykah Badu concert with my sister in law. We were googling erykah on her blackberry and we learned that she has three children (? or is it two and pregnant with a third? yeah, i think so)--I think three different dads, and there was an interview where she definitely gave the vibe that she doesn't live with any of the baby-fathers, she lives with the kids, and the fathers circle around the periphery.
Its hard not to notice the trend or movement in society towards a significant population being single mother households. I wonder what is underlying this? (besides the obvious factors like racism, domestic violence, alcohol/drug abuse, rise in materialism and subsequent intensification of the ego, etc.--those are the social factors. I'm wondering more about the spiritual/etheric patterning that is being mirrored in a physical-three dimensional plane-kind-of-way). Is it the survivalist mentality?
The question I take away from this is how to strike a balance between men and women? The woman receives, the woman receives. I was listening to Armand on WBAI and he was interviewing a woman about the physical history of sex--there has never been a species, apparently, whose females enjoyed sex as much as the human being. Receiving is a major factor in women's pleasure. Can men and women co-create pleasure with balance?
How can we find a balance of power?
How can I find that balance? Last week I took a deep breath and admitted to my husband that I either push him away and get upset that he's gone or I pull him towards me and get mad that he's too close. Balance of power is an issue I deal with daily. Its scary to trust that I am not going to be hurt; there is a program that runs deep within me that says I am not safe.
I need to remember to trust.
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