stranger in a strange land

I have always had a pervasive sense of being lonely and an outsider in my life, regardless of the circumstances or environment. I suspect this is hugely connected to being an adopted person. I did not have the awareness of being 'different' from my family as a young child; it happened when I hit 14. My birthday falls in May, and the summer that followed was a time where a layer was peeled back, seemingly suddenly, and I saw things from a new perspective of 'other'. I didn't feel connected to my parents, I didn't know what I had in common anymore with my friends. I pinpointed new, different interests. I made new friends. My relationship with my parents became very much about 'I am not part of you, I am not anything like you, I do not relate to you in any way you or I understand."

I believe my birth mother was 14 when she was pregnant with me.

This split between me and my parents seemed forced upon me, not one of my choosing. It just happened, and it happened powerfully. I almost felt possessed.

A similar thread runs through my life to this day. I feel different from everyone most of the time. I am fascinated by people but I don't like to be around them. It hurts to physically be near people and feel the disconnect and not know how to bridge the gap. When I have a need to be social, I design situations where I can be with one or two or three people in an intimate setting, that way there is an opportunity to go deep.

I moved to a new town 7 months ago and I still don't know hardly anyone. I have no friends here and I don't really have an interest in making them. My life is a whirlwind of children and husband and writing spinning around a house in a suburban neighborhood. It is the first time I have lived with neighbors anywhere close to my house in over a decade. It is different, and I notice it. I am aware that there are people, families living in close proximity and I have no idea. who they are. The people on my street know my dog's name but they don't know mine. And this is all okay with me.

I go to my yoga class twice a week. I am surrounded by 20+ other people in a super intimate setting where we are wearing thin layers of clothing, pushing our bodies through a sequence of movements that stretch us physically and mentally. I go through tremendous psychic processing during each class and I suspect most of the others in the class do, too. And I am anonymous. My name is not known, but I am still part of the group. This is okay with me. I feel comfortable with this elusive quality. It does not distract from the sharing and group experience that happens. I get my social charge but I don't have to speak.

I lived in New Paltz for 7 years and felt completely at home. It is the place I most want to be in the world. And for all my time there, I only connected deeply with a handful of people. I made more acquaintances there than friends. And that was okay with me. My need to be inner was balanced with the outer there. My house there sits on a hill and is both private and exposed. I could live my inner life but every day hear a car or two or three honk out a hello! shout as our friends and acquaintances drove by. I could live on the edge of a social connect and disconnect and ride it how I liked.

This suburban living thing is strange. I don't understand it. But I guess that is my plight; I feel comfort and familiarity in feeling 'other than.'