how i feel lost

When I am physically alone I most often feel disconnected. Lost.

Like, floating. Not really grounded or tethered to anything or anyone.

I feel like the people I love and who love me are like fingers on hands, and I am the substrate that filters through. They are there and they try to catch me, but I slip through the cracks. Sometimes they catch me and hold me for a little while, but as soon as I'm physically alone I slip through and there is no one and nothing to catch me anymore. Unbounded.

Its disorienting. I suppose it could be considered scary, but my familiarity with the feeling numbs out the terror.

I want to be connected so deeply. So much. Its the most important thing to me. I want to really know the connections persist even without the physical presence.

I hope I get it in this lifetime.