i want something more

And I do want to change. I can say that I want a new paradigm; it just seems hard to grasp this new way out of thin air and make it my own. How to do that?

I want to live a life that is whole, but I fear that I have no way of even knowing what that is.

The basic premise I get from therapy is that understanding develops self awareness, which can be instrumental in changing behavior. But don't I need a role model? Who are my role models? When I think of my family, every single person has big secrets. I don't know half of who any of them really are. Every single one seems split, with sections splintered off, and I am aware that I only know certain parts of them.

I'm trying to figure out the differences in the influences between the outcome of being adopted ( in general) vs. being adopted into the specific, totally dysfunctional family that I landed in. Its very confusing.