I recently had a hypnosis session where I was at my birth. I was there, aware pre-crowning, crowning, being born. Did I remember or imagine? It doesn't matter, in a sense; it was a possibility. There was the possibility that she was a teenager and the world and her pregnancy were magical. Despite society's reality of the shame of teen pregnancy, her experience was one of being overtaken by an all consuming power of creation. In the midst of that, we were a team. She lived completely in the present while I grew; there was no tomorrow when we would be separated.
The birth was the shock of the outer world colliding with her inner world. The birth power pushing me out melded with the power of the adoption structure. My birth happened TO HER. I was born, I was whisked away, the outer team dissolved. The inner connection remained.
What if society's approach honored the existence and unending nature of this inner connection between birth mother and baby? I imagine the acknowledgement would elicit a more psychologically supportive structure and experience for all of the people involved. As I read both adoptee and birth mother stories, I can't help but see this everpresent connection woven throughout. The idea that it would end because of the outer, physical severance that occurs with adoption seems immature and rooted in a denial of who we are as humans. Each story reveals the circular nature of the mother-baby bond as existing out of time. There is an origin point, a distancing, and then the loop comes back around, whether the two ever physically connect again or not. The wonder and the questions, the conscious and unconscious knowings are always there.
In my stage of discovery, I am beginning to see adoption as impermanent family engineering. It is inevitable that the child will eventually want to circle back and learn his/her history.
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Brilliant points, N. Really looking forward to reading more!!
ReplyDeleteDoes circling back require the letting go of the "engineered family"?
ReplyDeleteDo you feel you are who you are because of or in spite of your "engineered family"?
Interesting questions, Ryan. Well, I never would have imagined when I was a child that I would only know my (adoptive) mother for 20 years, but that is how it turned out; she died when I was 20. And my father has for the most part cut me and my sister out of his life and moved on to a new life with a 2nd, then a 3rd wife; we rarely have contact. I don't see my birth family as a replacement for my 'engineered' family, but a different set of people who could give me something else...I do't know what that is...I have not explored it too much yet. I have little contact with my birth mother but I expect it to increase.
ReplyDeleteAs for where my identity was created--this is so interesting. Nature vs. nurture. I am who I am by what I learned from my adoptive family and the support and lack of support I received from them. However, there are parts of my history and who I am that I suppose must come from cellular memory that was transmitted biologically. In my search for my birth mother, I met the woman who housed her at the end of her pregnancy (this was arranged by the attorney who had facilitated the private adoption). I sat in a conference room with this woman as she showed me pictures of my birth mother and tried to recall memories of that time. After a few minutes of speaking, she said, "You remind me so much of her...the way you speak, the way you move...you are so much alike." This just adds to the weirdness of knowing that there are people on this planet who made me, who I am like, who I have characteristics of, not just basic physiological traits, but behavioral traits...but I don't know hardly anything about them. And I have siblings. As far as I know, I have 5 biological siblings out there...maybe more. Its mind blowing!