"We should have gotten one for her, too."

My grandmother was apparently instrumental in my sister's adoption; I'm not sure if she had any significant role in mine. Yesterday I was at a mini family reunion where my grandmother, both aunts, my sister and my cousin with her two adopted kids were sitting around the table. My grandmother turned to me and said, "If you don't have children, when you grow old you have nothing." Then she said, "I feel bad for your aunt that she never had a baby. We should have gotten one for her, too. I just didn't think about it back then."

We should have gotten one for her, too. Like she should have gone down to the pound and picked out a stray dog for my aunt as a companion.

I can't help but wonder if the main intention in my sister's and my adoptions was to give my mother toys to play with.

My grandmother's comment is very telling. It is a testiment to my family and my life within that family. I can't help but feel that the intention of my placement into my family was to satisfy a need of my mother's which always came before my own needs for love and parenting.

After I left my aunt's house, I saw a childhood friend (who is also adopted) and we spoke about the implications of being adopted on our lives as adults. She gave me feedback that she always had the sense looking in at our family as an outsider that my sister and I had to fend for ourselves growing up; that we were on our own. This is exactly my feeling; I have always felt unsupported and that I do not have the underlying basic belief that 'my family is always there for me.' I grew up with the message that I was a commodity and my purpose was to fill someone else's lack.