Is it the plight of adoptees to have their underlying story be fundamental disconnection? I like the fact that I feel so connected to Frey, but I remind myself I have never met him in person. My personal connections are all somewhat tenuous, especially the ones that matter most. I end up feeling abandoned on a regular basis by the people closest to me, over and over again. The result is feeling alone. Like a lone agent in the world with no one really there to back me up.
What is real? What is not? What is my fear?
When the abandonment hits, nothing is solid. Everything falls apart, the ground is gone and I feel completely out of control. Then, when I am in that state, I have nothing to give.
Living this life with kids is tricky. The victimed victimizes. The abandoned abandons. It seems like an endless cycle...how to break out....?
I know it is a process and I remind myself often to take a deep breath and take things day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I breathe and let the "I can't do this" thoughts just be whatever they are...they end up retreating. They scream out LOUD but they eventually recede. Last week at yoga class in Parsvakonasana, I felt it.
I felt that familiar "I-can't-do-this-get-me-the-fuck-out-of-here" script running. Uhhhhh....breathe breathe breathe. My teacher said, "Okay, take 5 more breaths..." I took about 30 short gasps in and out...oh....my......god.....i ...am....going....to....try....to....not....even.....think..........ah, i can put my hand down on the floor, its over.
And yes, of course, by the end of the class, I am feeling super aligned and my nervous system feels open and pulsing and ready to endure my life. Until the next breakdown occurs...
Its a never-ending cycle. I breathe and push forward and shift between feeling hopeful and hopeless about its constancy. We all go on. I want to feel a part of, not apart from.
Thanks for your comments on my blog today. My mother died when I was six, and to some extent I know exactly how you feel. When you don't have that particular connection, everything else suffers. But I decided to do things the way I would have wanted it for myself. By providing the mothering I never had, I was able to heal. One of the big issues of our time is the feeling of being disconnected in a connected world. The blogging community, if done correctly, i.e. with the right group, can provide a certain connectedness. You are very soulful, and you are never alone. We are one. We just don't realize it yet.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nancy. I try to remind myself about the one-ness that we all are in reality on a regular basis. I forget it alot. I need to remember.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your many comments--its very affirming to know my words and thoughts are being received.
Re: losing a parent--it is life-defining. It is amazing that you were able to be the mother you did not have. That does sound like healing in action. I try my best with my own children, but fear I do not do good enough.