trust and my feet

Its so hard for me to trust.

My feet and toes are so ticklish that I can't have anyone touch them. Sometimes I can't even touch them myself.

Recently, while on a weekend trip with my husband, we went to a day spa. I chose the Baltic black sea mud body wrap, which included a foot massage. I explained to the 'spa lady' about my ticklish toes. She asked me if she could massage the bottom of my feet, I said give it a try.

Okay, so I have this trait that really bothers me in which I have a lack of foresight in certain situations; and once I'm in the situation that's gone wrong, I can't believe that I didn't expect it. This was a prime example. Here I am, a really private person who is so not touchy-feely, choosing the spa treatment where I am almost completely naked and a stranger is paintbrushing hot liquid mud all over me. It was a great invitation to get out of my whatever-it-is-that-keeps-me-isolated-and-internal, and break through. At least until she got to my feet. Just her touching my heel made my whole leg spasm. Over and over again. She prompted me to take deep breaths. I did. And every time she moved her hand my leg jumped again. It was so interesting...I'm there willing myself to RELAX but I could not get away from the expectation of the tickle. Then I felt an inner sadness and a faint intuition that this was/is the physical manifestation of my inability to trust.

I have a huge physical protection mechanism. When my little boys are riding their plasma car around (and around and around and around) the kitchen, I usually get really uptight and expect that they are about to run over my feet. The idea of ball games put me off--the likelihood of getting hit in the face makes the game seem so un-fun. Heights scare the crap out of me, and that's getting worse every year I get older.

Its hard for me to find the place of physical abandon.

I think its a total trust issue. Who/what is going to hurt me next? I think this is a classic adoptee trait. I naturally feel self-protective and shield myself in my life, and don't really trust that anyone will help me in that way. When I feel a need to shield/block/protect, I immediately feel alone, despite the social circumstances.

--I feel alone most of the time--