getting closer to nothing

I didn't realize until recently how unskilled I am in relationships. That's putting it mildly. My relationship education sucked big-time. I had hope I could draw the good stuff out of the ether and ride it, and not get dragged on by my past and my role models. I was SO wrong.

35 is putting so many things in a different perspective for me.

My gums are receding; I got a sonicare and am loving floss now, and use antioxidant vit c plus health food store mouth rinse religiously. Anything to keep me away from the dentist's office. I turned 35, it hit me, duh: I need to take care of not only my teeth but my gums.

I went to yoga class today half dreading it, half looking forward to it. For the most part I just tried to not think about it too much. I know I need to work my body, but my environment doesn't stress that. My 5 year old and 2 year old don't say "hey mom, go work out, its important." But my 12 year old and 15 year old do...they are like my cheerleaders. I often report to them how many sit ups I'm doing or when I add some little move to my daily (short) workout routine, and I ALWAYS get encouragement from them. Its cool.

So I'm yoga-ing, and its hard and I'm sweating and I'm simultaneously loving the feeling of feeling my muscles and hating how unstretched I feel. I just go. I just go. I just keep on going, letting my muscles warm and my thoughts slow, slow, slow down. They don't stop, even in sivasana they do not stop. I want them to stop but wanting them to stop makes them keep going. I like how in class I can get to the point where I can just be, as much as I can in my life. I just am, I am not judging, I just am however I am. I don't fucking care what the guy behind me is thinking or how thin the 20-something year old is next to me or how accomplished the 50-something next to me is. I am just on my mat and getting closer to nothing.

I feel accomplished when I get close to nothing.

That seems something to me.