I have a recurring (bad) dream which came around again last night. Each time I have this dream, the same thing happens: I come to the realization that I am pregnant, and at some point the dread of the imminence of birth rushes over me, and I feel stuck and cornered, like I have no way out. I try to figure out if I am really pregnant or not, if I am really dreaming or not. Every time I come to the conclusion that it is not a dream, this is real life, and I make the decision to accept my situation. The acceptance moves me out of my terror, into a manageable realm where I can handle what is before me. But the acceptance contains a taste of defeat. I am so strong-willed, I think 'acceptance' in general has a stifling element to it for me. When I accept something its hard for me to do it willingly...I usually end up feeling beaten and somehow abused.
I have birthed four (large to extremely large) babies at home. The experience has pushed me to my edge and has taught me that I can do ANYTHING and actually come out the other side with beauty and strength. But its not to say that the thought of it is still not completely terrifying. I think the concept of pregnancy and birth and the quality of the total commitment it requires is a metaphor my subconscious uses for the places in my life that require a similar commitment. And so it makes sense to me that I am visited by these dreams frequently, especially now.
I'm trying to figure out how to move out of the corner within my life.
[disclaimer: I am NOT pregnant in waking life.]
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