it sucks and i'm used to it.

foundations

I am questioning the foundations of my life, they seem unsteady. Its not surprising when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture of my life within the framework of steady/unsteady foundations.  My original foundation was pulled away; maybe this is what I only truly know.  Steadiness does seem foreign to me and suspect.  Feelings do, too.

The perception that I am not "gotten" or "grokked" is the scariest thing to me.  That is the foundation I look for, always.  I can look back and see as a teenager that I made desperate attempt after attempt to connect with those who I thought possibly could 'get' me, and in doing so, I gave myself away, over and over again. I have the ability (bpd?) to open myself up WIDE to people I am only tenuously connected to, yet experience time and again that opening myself up to the people who I am very much connected to not only exposesme to the possibility of further abandonment, but the abandonment actually happens. It keeps on happening, time after time. How many times can someone do that before they just stop?

What is the difference between lowering one's expectations in an effort to be more in the present moment, to be with what is rather than what one wants it to be vs. cutting oneself off from one's emotions?

Today I feel hopeless and back inside my protective mechanism because I feel like I truly am the only one who will take care of me.  That is how I feel. It sucks, AND I'm used to it.
I'm burning the fire all day today.