trust and my heart

Yesterday my yoga teacher waxed poetic about living from your heart, that being the only true path.  The only real path.  I opened myself up and ended the class with an unfamiliar balance and warmth in my heart.  I thought of my dad and didn't feel scared anymore about calling and making a connection.  I felt like everything is imminently okay.

I think this is very connected to the past weekend for me.  I met a woman who does family constellation work, and she talked with me about the healing power of being aware of everyone who makes up your family.  We talked about what that might look like in an adopted family--both sets of mothers and fathers are included and acknowledged.  My (adoptive) sister's birth mother and father are included in my own family.  This feels so right to me; it makes sense and feels right in my heart.  I have not been in touch with my (adoptive) father for almost a year.  I called him today. Its not scary.  Its sad, but its not scary, so I know its okay.

Paralleling this awareness is my growing feeling that so many things in my life are all pointing to me needing to be grown up and gain the ability to take care of others.  This is really hard for me--maybe because this was always an innate requirement for having a relationship with my parents--for the relationship to exist, I was (and still am) required to be the adult and subjugate my (inner-child) needs to theirs.  I obviously am still in process about this and haven't come to a full acceptance of this dynamic, but something has shifted that has allowed me to move forward and make the call and connect.

I wonder if this inner shift I am experiencing will somehow transfer to the distance that exists between me and my birth mother...I want desperately to have a relationship with her, but I don't know how.  I also suspect it will be instrumental in healing the rift that underlies my relationship with my husband.

Being open and vulnerable is scary, but I see how it can propel me and those I am connected to forward, maybe exponentially.