default settings

Women are scary to me.
Not usually consciously, though. Like, I really need to think about it to get to what its really like for me, to admit and be aware of what it is like to relate to women. I realize that it is very hard to trust them, much much harder for me than to trust men. There seems to be an opening with men, and I do not feel the imminent threat of being blown off, the way I do with women (though this is totally repressed and I really don't realize it within the interaction).
It makes sense, I can pretty much understand it. But to look back and see how I've lived my life adapting around the fear; its amazing to see how the adaptation took on such a life of its own. I've had a best friend that's a woman at almost every stage of my life, and my other relationships with women fell outside the sacredness of that inner circle.
My mother in law was overtaken by a feeling of closeness and came up to me and hugged me and expressed her love and it was a close moment but underlying it I had a terrified screaming person inside my head thinking 'oh-my-god-let-me-go-i-just-need-to-get-out-of-her-grip-i-need-to-have-my-own-space-breathe-nicole-until-you-can-have-your-space-back-to-yourself.
My marriage therapist stepped over and sat next to me on the couch I was on, and read me correctly and acknowledged that she knew it was probably hard for me to have her so close to me saying what she was about to say.
Physical closeness with women feels...unsafe. implicitly dangerous. threatening. uncomfortable!

Its very different with men; I don't feel like I'm about to get hurt just by mere contact the way I do with women. My (other) therapist is a man, my yoga teacher is a man, my chiropractor is a man. I feel a level of safety with them that seems almost like a default setting.

I'm running on default setting with women, too. I wonder if that will change if I develop more of a relationship with my first mother.

Its weird to realize that there's so much of how I live that is so unconscious and not aware, even in the face of making such a huge effort to be aware. I guess there are many levels of awareness--I tend to want to be super successful in what I apply myself to, so becoming aware of my lack-of-awareness gives me a slight sense of hopelessness. Life feels hard, and then I fall into appreciation.