the structure of control

I'm becoming increasingly aware of how I control the people in my life so that I can feel safe.  If I keep them in a restricted box, I can know what to expect and most importantly, I can keep a distance so they can't hurt me.  This is not even by choice anymore, this is just how I live and relate.  I can see how  it must be more than difficult to relate to me.  I keep on flashing back to my dad telling me over and over again while I was growing up that I was a most selfish person.  Its a theme.  I have always chosen men to primarily relate to who in some way agree to the control, and end up seeing themselves as my victim.
I want to, need to change this.  I think I move from such a deeply rooted place of alone-ness, the only thing that feels safe is to make boundaries and keep distance.  Being close is beyond scary.  I don't really know how to change--logically it makes sense but I can't see myself being another way. Maybe because how I see myself is primarily as self-protected; that comes first before anything else.  Again I heard today feelings are key to this. ....????