"The issues of trust and intimacy are closely related to those of abandonment and rejection. There is such a fluid movement among these issues that it is difficult to separate them. The adoptee's lack of trust in the permanency of relationships brings about a distrust of closeness or intimacy and a need for distanceing. At the same time there is a yearning for the very thing which is feared." (Nancy Newton Verrier; The Primal Wound)
I feel more cursed by this issue than most since my adoptive mother died. In a way it is freeing, yet my residual pain and ensuing fear of abandonment perpetually bind me. Its so unconscious. Built in to the heart of my relationships is a seed with a tough outer shell of 'survival mentality' protecting the inside, the baby that lost not only her first mother, but her second, too. It is so difficult to break down the survivor and not instantly refer to it when my abandonment fear is activated (usually unconsciously). What a predicament! How to change that pattern if I don't even realize that it is happening when it is happening?
Do people live like this for their whole lives? How do I break free?
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For me it was learning to trust that I can survive abandonment. I am a resourceful capable woman. It is hard to put into words but it has to do with coming out the other side of abandonment and finding out I am okay.
ReplyDeleteIt is incredibly freeing. No, you don't have to live like this for the rest of your life.
hugs.