I'm realizing bit by bit what makes me numb out.
Abundance of sensory stimuli is a big one.
Emotional expectations from people (family!) is another big one.
I just start feeling disconnected and I don't feel emotion, I'm like on autopilot.
I realized the day before thanksgiving until now when everyone left my house that I was in that zone, being super productive but emotionally shut down.
Thanksgiving is such a complex social/emotional environment--there are so many people operating mostly unconsciously from their childhood experiences superimposing their expectations on everyone else. An intricate web of wants and needs paralleled by active playing out of the satisfaction or un-satisfaction of those wants and needs, with a layer of 'nice-ness' on top of everything.
In those situations I only know how to go mostly inside and be outwardly good and nice but actually not feel. Its fucked up, I don't know how to be genuine when I feel such expectation.
It feels scary to admit not being genuine. I know alot of people hold high expectations for me, but I do for myself more than anyone else does of me. What happens when I let myself down? Is that where the split happens and I detach and retreat into my inside world?
That world inside of me is vast--I have lived there for alot of my life.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
That's really well articulated. I'm an adoptee, too, and you really name the way I often feel at holidays and in moments other moments when I'm expected to like and look forward to things that just make me sad.
ReplyDeleteThanks.