i'm going to the company party tonight, the annual company holiday party that i dread every year. i guess i have learned how to toughen up and tolerate it. i hate dancing at public parties and there's a band and no one i know except my husband's family. everyone drinks and gets loose and dances and i sit in my seat and walk around and go to the bathroom (alot!) and call my sister from the bathroom ,and this has become my yearly ritual. its SO hard! i know there are alot tougher things, in a way its laughable. i try to make the best of it. i bought a sexy dress and i will wear it and that will be my fun. but i don't want to dance.
the party brings up the height of my insecurities...what is my relationship to this family, do i matter, what is my position, what is my connection...i feel SO unconnected. but its the economic basis of my life now more than ever...its very confusing. i don't expect it will clear up, i expect it to become evermore confusing. a weird place to be in. i want to write more to explore this at another time.
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I was relieved this year when I found out that spouses were not invited to the company end of year dinner .... phew! No more making calls from bathroom stalls and pretending to enjoy myself. No more aching muscles at the end of the night due to too tight sexy shoes, extra straight back and extra broad smile - smiling all night can really work those face muscles!
ReplyDeleteI hate parties!!! I'm with you on that! Next party you have, put an audio book on your MP3, hide the earpiece with your hairdo and enjoy all evening!