Do other adoptees live in a fantasy life as much as I do?
I have a husband who loves me and beautiful children and a sustaining life, but its not enough.
There's something major that's missing. I don't know if I could ever find the thing/person/? that would make me complete.
I'm wondering about the capacity of adoptees to be capable of commitment.
It seems the relinquishment hard-wires something into the brain that makes that more than difficult, seemingly impossible.
Through my years of relationships with men, I always had people in the background to turn to when my primary relationships didn't fill me up. This doesn't seem to work in a culture where monogamy is held as the objective.
I'm confused about figuring out who I am and what healthy goals are vs. who I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to hold as healthy goals in terms of relationships.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I hope this blog gives the ability to work out things that you felt you couldn't on you last blog. But always be aware that it is a public forum, and we really don't have total anonymity. It is something I have to remind myself on occasion. But that being said, it certainly is a place to explore and meet others maybe experiencing similar issues. Thanks for letting me know of the change!
ReplyDeleteI keep coming back to this posting. It resonates with me and I'm trying to untangle the general issue of living in a "culture of desire" from my experience as an adoptee.
ReplyDeleteTo the first point, I think everything about which you write is a symptom of our age. We can't escape images, stories, and narratives that impress upon us that something better is around the corner. This leaves us helpless to find pleasure in what we have.
Yet, I also believe that my experience as an adoptee strengthens my sense of yearning in particular ways. I don't understand the nature of biologically constructed networks of relation and I'm always searching for it. My romantic relationships never feel fulfilling -- because I don't have a baseline of knowing what fulfilling might be.
I had a revelation the other day that I spent most of my late teens and twenties trying to figure out (and resist) the idea of belonging -- and specifically to whom I belonged. I don't think, in my forties, I've actually resolved this question -- but perhaps just placed it in a less insistent compartment.
Thank you. The idea that the inability to be fulfilled is more corresponding to an age rather than an individual psychological/emotional characteristic is kind of a relieving notion.
ReplyDeleteYearning is a daily experience for me; I don't know if its more true for adoptees or not.
Have you read Betty Jean Lifton's books? I tried to read one but couldn't get through it because she relates EVERYTHING to being adopted, and it feels to me like she goes overboard. I find it annoying. I heard her speak at an adoption conference last summer and I had the same experience listening to her--too much.
Maybe we are just super sensitive. Or maybe we're just more ego-centered and think that we are more sensitive than anyone else...I don't know.
Belonging...hmmm...that's a whole other thing. I'll think about it and make a note to explore that in an upcoming post.
Thanks for your feedback.
Yeah, BJL's writing is a little hard to sort through, but I've read her books. She's making an important argument that adoptees' experience is distinct -- and I think that's important. But, she is repetitive and often extends the issue beyond the central experience of being adopted.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I sometimes think that there is no part of my experience that's not affected by adoption. At least my perception of the world is always colored by my ability to relate -- and my experience of relationships was formed in the twisted world of adoption.