trying to find something

my mother. my mother. my first one. 
do i want her back? what do i want from her? i wrote her another email yesterday, after talking at length about her to my therapist. when i feel the strong feelings, when i feel the pull, its like i CAN'T stop, i just have to try to connect, despite the risk of again being blown off or not responded to.  i don't know what exactly i am looking for.  anything connecting.  any connection with her or anyone around her.  i try to empathize and imagine what it must be like for her to have me reaching out.  i don't understand her silence. 
her silence forces me to feel more independent and makes me see myself more as just me, i am of me.  but i know i am of her and a man who is now dead but who was once alive and has two other daughters somewhere in germany. 
i want to go to germany and try to find a connection.  i went there for just a few days many years ago and i felt a strong resonance, it felt right. i think there's something there i need to go and find.